Steven Seagal – Songs from the Crystal Cave (Album Review)
Steven Seagal isn’t just known for his action films and martial arts—he also dabbled in music, and Songs from the Crystal Cave (2004) is his attempt at blending blues, rock, reggae, and soft R&B. While the album is competently produced, Seagal’s vocals, lyrics, and musical choices often leave a lot to be desired. Let’s break down the tracks.
1. Girl It’s Alright
A chill, soft rock/R&B track with decent backing vocals that help elevate the song. Seagal’s own vocals attempt to be soulful but sound a bit forced at times. The guitar riffs are simple but not bad. Lyrically, the song feels like it’s trying too hard, though the arrangement and mix are surprisingly solid. It’s basic, but it’s at least well-made.
2. Don’t You Cry
A smooth, soft rock ballad that doesn’t do much to stand out. Seagal’s vocals sound rough in a way that isn’t particularly flattering, but the backing vocals once again help him out. The mix is clean, the drums are serviceable, and the guitar work is competent. However, the stretched-out vocal delivery feels cheesy—almost as if he’s desperately trying to make you feel something. The lyrics are overly sentimental, bordering on melodramatic.
3. Music
By this point, the songs are starting to blend together. They all follow a similar structure, either slowed down or sped up versions of the same formula. The backing vocals do most of the heavy lifting, and while this album came out in 2004, it feels like something straight out of 1994. The lyrics are generic and pandering. And of course, it wouldn’t be complete without a forced Rastafarian influence.
4. Better Man
A slower, more jam-like track that ultimately feels bland. The lyrics are uninspired, and once again, the backing vocals do most of the work. The best parts of the song are the sections where Seagal isn’t singing. The instrumentation is simple but passable.
5. Route 23
A blues-inspired track that actually isn’t too bad. The guitar work has some personality, though the tones are quite harsh. The song’s bluesy vibe works well, but when the guitars are pitched up, they get distractingly loud.
6. My God
Oh boy, a religious song where Seagal asserts that his God is bigger than your God. The lyrics are embarrassingly bad, and the attempt at harmonics is painful. There’s nothing redeeming about this track—just pure cringe.
7. Lollipop
And the lyrical quality keeps getting worse! Seagal continues his love for fake Jamaican accents, and his vocals are absolutely awful here. Nothing about this track works.
8. Not for Sale
Seagal’s vocals sound slightly better here, and the addition of bongos is a nice touch. However, the lyrics are laughably hollow—he sings about integrity and not selling out, yet later goes on to work with Russia as a "freelance instructor." The contradiction is hilarious. There are some soft female backing vocals that sound decent, but the guitar work is suspiciously too good to be played by him.
9. Dance
A lazy performance with some decent clapping to keep the rhythm alive. However, Seagal’s mumbling ruins it. The lyrics are shallow, and midway through, the album suddenly shifts from a Rastafarian influence to something resembling Hindi music. This transition could have been interesting if his vocals weren’t so weak.
10. Jealousy
The lyrics are trash. Seagal’s vocals are clear, but that only makes the bad lyrics more noticeable. It’s unclear what he’s even talking about in this track.
11. War
An anti-war song… from the same guy who later supported a war in Russia. The irony is incredible. Unfortunately, the song is also weak in execution, with a generic structure and uninspired backing vocals. Easily one of the worst tracks on the album in both content and composition.
12. Strut
The backing vocals can’t even save this one. Seagal’s fake Jamaican accent is unbearable, and the fact that he says "punani" in the lyrics is just cringe-worthy. At least it’s short.
13. Goree
Seagal mumbles his way through this song, making it almost impossible to understand what he’s saying. The writing is lazy, but at least the bongos add some needed flavor. The percussion is actually quite good, but everything else is forgettable.
14. The Light
The lyrics aren’t terrible, but Seagal’s singing feels completely uninspired. Once again, the backing vocals do most of the work, barely salvaging the track.
Final Thoughts
Steven Seagal’s Songs from the Crystal Cave is an album that tries to be deep and eclectic but ultimately falls flat due to weak vocals, try-hard lyrics, and forced stylistic choices. The production is surprisingly decent, and the backing vocalists do their best to carry the weight, but Seagal’s performances are unconvincing, and the genre-blending feels more like cultural appropriation than genuine musical exploration.
There are a few okay moments, particularly in the bluesy Route 23, but the album overall lacks authenticity. From fake accents to cringeworthy lyrics, it’s a bizarre project that feels more like an ego trip than a sincere musical effort. If nothing else, it’s at least an entertaining listen for all the wrong reasons.
RATING: 2/10
NOTABLE TRACKS:
Strut